The Iron Princess Speaketh

i sometimes refer to myself as the "iron princess"... the steely exterior, the impression i tend to leave on others, and the nothing-can-touch-me attitude... but what most people forget is that im human too... i take 'dont judge a book by its cover' seriously... because im a very different person from i who i show myself to be... i just wish people would stop judging me.. people aren't always who they show themselves to be... most people with the strongest of exteriors have the softest of hearts and are the most sensitive ones... the balls-to-the-world attitude is there just so that no one can hurt me.. or so i think... i somehow almost always tend to trust the wrong people... and every time i get my trust broken, i promise myself that i wont let it happen again... but like they say, some people never change!!.. im way too easy to fool... because im too stubborn... because i dont like the world we live in... the deceptions, the lies, the hypocrisy, the works... because i genuinely care about people.. because i dont understand people who trample over others.. because i despise how we judge everyone and everything that comes our way... because i want to make a difference... because i live in my own dream world... because i need a reality check!!!

finally...

I'm FINALLY over u... FINALLY!!!... at least i hope that this time i am... :-)
i need a lot of support for this... the more i think about letting u go, the more i end up thinking about u... but hopefully this is it!!..

Tears in Heaven

i have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach... the one u get when something is about to go seriously wrong... the puzzling part is that nothing is due to happen in the near future which could go terribly wrong... barring exams which start from tomorrow... but the worse that can get is getting a zero and believe me thats not going to be new!!.. but for the past few days i feel a sudden silence engulf me every morning... the kind that occurs before storms!!!... (convert that to hindi and it makes more sense!!).. for the past 4 days ive woken up with tears in my eyes... actually its been longer than that but the past 4 days are when i started realizing that something was horribly amiss..
sleep is my vice.. i sleep when im content.. i sleep when im worried.. i sleep when im looking forward to something.. i sleep when im trying to run away from something... basically i sleep - A LOT!!!.. but somehow these days every time i go to sleep i KNOW im running away from things... i know it doesn't help in any way.. i know when i wake up im going to be feeling extremely groggy and far from fresh.. i know ill still have that sinking feeling when i wake up.. i know my demons just wont run away while im sleeping.. and i continue to sleep... i wake up late and then go back to sleep in the afternoon and when i wake up in the evening i wile away time on the internet... and then i sleep at night... but ive never had sleep this disturbed in the 19 years of my meaningless existence... thats the way i feel now...
ill talk to a friend about it but with exams coming up the poor soul is already so disturbed that i dont have the heart to give her more to ponder over... moreover im not sure what ill say... conversation has ceased to flow as it once did... ive started doubting myself more than ever before.. i cant even say im frustrated... because im not... im just plain sad... with a hint of hopelessness!!.. maybe its all just a phase.. maybe it will pass.. until then...

U were saying???

I learnt how to phase out in 2nd semester... the reason being that I didnt attend anything in my 1st semester at college... nothing, nil, nada, zilch... i guess u get the point... so basically even though i rarely attend anything in college, i tend to phase out whatever is happening around... i believe i have finally mastered the art... i look suitably interested but in my mind i tend to venture into another world... earlier it was restricted to lectures... maybe college has taken over so much of my time that i find myself tuning out while having conversations... and i see these movies where characters tune in and out at will and i feel myself increasingly becoming like that... im not apathetic, its just that i despise monotony... repetition bores the hell out of me... and sometimes i find conversations so boring that i enter into my own world... the depths of my subconscious... the formula is always the same... look like ur interested, keep saying things like umm, uh-huh, yup, seriously!! et cetera and u should be just fine..
and it woprks the other way too.. sometimes i phase out when im the one doing the talking... one minute i say something and the next minute i completely blank out on where the conversation was headed... and i also tend to jump back and forth unexpectedly and for short durations!!... its weird... but it comes in handy in classes... too bad i dont even attend 10% of my classes to put my skills to use!!.. :D
maybe it also has something to do with a space constraint... too many thoughts.. too little space to store most of them!!!.. my head is so full of useless knowledge that i possibly cant store any new thoughts... if only i had Dumbledore's Pensieve!!!...

What Are We Running After??

heard these lines after a long time and it just left me wondering... this one hit the nail on the head... its been stuck in my head ever since... the beauty of these lines!!!... its from the 1957 hit "Pyaasa"...

"Ye Mahalon, ye Takhton, ye Taajon ki Duniya,
Ye Insaan ke Dushman, Samaajon ki Duniya,
Ye Daulat ke Bhookhe, Riwaazon ki Duniya,
Ye Duniya agar mil bhi jaaye, toh kya hai?"

Listen to this here...

here's the translation:-
This world of palaces, thrones and crowns,
This world of societies that hates humanity,
This world that hungers for nothing but wealth,
Even if one obtains this world, so what?

aaarrghhh!!!!

i realized that my writers block just surfaces when im in front of a monitor... so i started making notes on my phone about things i wanted to blog about or was feeling at a particular moment... but considering my attention span i now have about 8-10 unfinished blog entries on my phone... and just the day i finished a post i cant find my phone... i put it somewhere here but it will take a long time to search through this mess.. yes i put it on silent so calling wont help... now i have to wait another day to make a post...
and i haven't been regular because i got my hands on the season 3 of 24 (yes i know it came out ages ago but whatever!!!) and i just had to finish it once i started it... am finally done but now i have season 4 staring me in the face... life is so tough... im going to have to make a tough decision come monday... its going to sound very mundane but it is confusing... "Prison Break" season 3 airs on mondays as will the third season of "how i met your mother" along with the second season of "heroes"!!!... what the hell am i going to download first??... how can people expect me to make a decision like that... probably will split the responsibility with a couple of friends so we all can download different sitcoms and then get it in pen drives the next day... but still...
also have around 80 movies on my computer that i haven't watched yet... so much of backlog and so little time... ohh and i guess i have 3 projects due in college but thats the least of my worries right now!!!...

Tagged!!!

got tagged into doing this by Raaji... here goes...



Stolen a Car: Nope... and may i suggest that anyone who has, should probably not own up to it because u never know who's reading ur blog!!!..

Been In Love: Ahh... I have to literally stop myself from falling in love... Its weird that I tend to fall in and out of love... but maybe im still not sure if it was love or something else..

Been in a Fist Fight: YES!!!.. everyday for 14 years till my brother moved to college!!..

Had Feelings for Someone Who Didn’t Have Them Back? Hasn't everybody??.. im still to meet someone who can answer a no to this question..

Been to Canada? Nope.. been to the States.. the Niagara Falls.. but never inside the border..

Purposefully Set a Part of Yourself on Fire? No.. though once i tried burning a nail after cutting it.. just out of curiosity.. :P

Taken Pain Killers? Yes, occasionally.. but i have a pretty strong immune system *touchwood* so that takes care of any medicines to take..

Been Lonely? I guess I have... and i dont like it... i dont mind aloneness... but loneliness sucks!!!

Felt an Earthquake? yes.. and it was kinda cool... :-P

Been Misunderstood? has a fish ever been in water??.. do people find the sound of scratching nails on a blackboard irritating??.. the answer is YES!!.. in CAPITALS.

Been in a Car Accident? been in a bike accident if that counts... a gypsy crashed into a friends bike and sent both him and me flying on the road.. dont remember much but from what i hear it was quite a day!!.. both of us were lucky considering that it could have been quite deadly..

Walked the Streets Drunk? The Beer Crawl, Munich.. June '07.. the most awesome time that i dont recollect!!.. apparently i was yelling at the top of my lungs... again, no recollection!!..

Swum in the Ocean? its the best thing... EVER!!!.. i love the freedom it provides... no boundaries.. just water..


apparently most of u have been tagged with this so i tag anyone who hasnt done this yet...