i have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach... the one u get when something is about to go seriously wrong... the puzzling part is that nothing is due to happen in the near future which could go terribly wrong... barring exams which start from tomorrow... but the worse that can get is getting a zero and believe me thats not going to be new!!.. but for the past few days i feel a sudden silence engulf me every morning... the kind that occurs before storms!!!... (convert that to hindi and it makes more sense!!).. for the past 4 days ive woken up with tears in my eyes... actually its been longer than that but the past 4 days are when i started realizing that something was horribly amiss..
sleep is my vice.. i sleep when im content.. i sleep when im worried.. i sleep when im looking forward to something.. i sleep when im trying to run away from something... basically i sleep - A LOT!!!.. but somehow these days every time i go to sleep i KNOW im running away from things... i know it doesn't help in any way.. i know when i wake up im going to be feeling extremely groggy and far from fresh.. i know ill still have that sinking feeling when i wake up.. i know my demons just wont run away while im sleeping.. and i continue to sleep... i wake up late and then go back to sleep in the afternoon and when i wake up in the evening i wile away time on the internet... and then i sleep at night... but ive never had sleep this disturbed in the 19 years of my meaningless existence... thats the way i feel now...
ill talk to a friend about it but with exams coming up the poor soul is already so disturbed that i dont have the heart to give her more to ponder over... moreover im not sure what ill say... conversation has ceased to flow as it once did... ive started doubting myself more than ever before.. i cant even say im frustrated... because im not... im just plain sad... with a hint of hopelessness!!.. maybe its all just a phase.. maybe it will pass.. until then...
- Irreversibly Screwed
- Delhi, India
- My blog is the true me... and thats the reason no one i know is aware of its existence!!!... so much easier to be your true self if you aren't under scrutiny!!!
5 comments:
may be you need to stop thinking about the future and start thinking about the present. There has to be something wrong in the present which is giving you a bad feeling.
Look around. Sit. think. relax. Evaluate.
... and for heaven's sake, whatever you do, please DO NOT run away from reality. It is the worst thing one can do. I learnt this lesson the hard way. I hope you dont have to go through that.
Take care, my friend.
ha, that sounds familliar.. or maybe there's a difference..
I just spend most of my days feeling that Im becoming more and more useless by the day, and in the end ill just have wasted my life like, lets say, a 24 hour drunkard would have, only thing, I wouldn even have enjoyed the drinks..
Its like, again sleep is a hobby, and just because I can get my ass to move around and do something I should be doing, I go on being lazy on the bed. and its not the normal being lazy.. its being lazy at the expense of doing everything I should be doing.
and this naturally ends up in me despising myself, and doubting my ability to stand a crisis.. (because its so lousy, the working inside of the head) and of course, fearing for all the large scale dreams that got built when the going was good.. add to that the fact that theres absolutely no motivation I can bring into the job I used to claim was far better than all other jobs in the universe... and Im performing really poorly!
Now the capping... I used to feel bad till recently.. but now another attitude has got hold of me.. that, its no point worrying.. so I am just impervious to all these problems, and i still feel absolutely useless.. both to myself and the world.. a vac I took to go home and get charged up is just making me detest working more and miss home!
now, I HOPE that this is just a PHASE... lol... u wanna switch shoes?
and as to a cure, i think it is a proper crisis.. when a crisis comes, all your senses become more alert, and you start appreciating the world around you.. while i was typing this, the stock market had one of its most volatile half hours ever, and I still am sitting with the blank exression of feeling overly bored and wanting to sleep.
hey long time..how have u been...n domnt worry abt the future...live the present...
well...some ppl tend to stay up all nigh (hail insomnia) whn stressed out...u tend to sleep it out!...no problem pal,juss make sure its not an excuse for the impending eggjams...heehee (i remember doing tht a lot---making my laziness sound pathological) :p
u tend to get such innovative ideas during exams u know!:p
cheers!!!
thanx guys... it means so much to know that things are going to be okay.. u guys rock!!.. :-)
i feel so much better..
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