The Iron Princess Speaketh

i sometimes refer to myself as the "iron princess"... the steely exterior, the impression i tend to leave on others, and the nothing-can-touch-me attitude... but what most people forget is that im human too... i take 'dont judge a book by its cover' seriously... because im a very different person from i who i show myself to be... i just wish people would stop judging me.. people aren't always who they show themselves to be... most people with the strongest of exteriors have the softest of hearts and are the most sensitive ones... the balls-to-the-world attitude is there just so that no one can hurt me.. or so i think... i somehow almost always tend to trust the wrong people... and every time i get my trust broken, i promise myself that i wont let it happen again... but like they say, some people never change!!.. im way too easy to fool... because im too stubborn... because i dont like the world we live in... the deceptions, the lies, the hypocrisy, the works... because i genuinely care about people.. because i dont understand people who trample over others.. because i despise how we judge everyone and everything that comes our way... because i want to make a difference... because i live in my own dream world... because i need a reality check!!!

finally...

I'm FINALLY over u... FINALLY!!!... at least i hope that this time i am... :-)
i need a lot of support for this... the more i think about letting u go, the more i end up thinking about u... but hopefully this is it!!..

Tears in Heaven

i have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach... the one u get when something is about to go seriously wrong... the puzzling part is that nothing is due to happen in the near future which could go terribly wrong... barring exams which start from tomorrow... but the worse that can get is getting a zero and believe me thats not going to be new!!.. but for the past few days i feel a sudden silence engulf me every morning... the kind that occurs before storms!!!... (convert that to hindi and it makes more sense!!).. for the past 4 days ive woken up with tears in my eyes... actually its been longer than that but the past 4 days are when i started realizing that something was horribly amiss..
sleep is my vice.. i sleep when im content.. i sleep when im worried.. i sleep when im looking forward to something.. i sleep when im trying to run away from something... basically i sleep - A LOT!!!.. but somehow these days every time i go to sleep i KNOW im running away from things... i know it doesn't help in any way.. i know when i wake up im going to be feeling extremely groggy and far from fresh.. i know ill still have that sinking feeling when i wake up.. i know my demons just wont run away while im sleeping.. and i continue to sleep... i wake up late and then go back to sleep in the afternoon and when i wake up in the evening i wile away time on the internet... and then i sleep at night... but ive never had sleep this disturbed in the 19 years of my meaningless existence... thats the way i feel now...
ill talk to a friend about it but with exams coming up the poor soul is already so disturbed that i dont have the heart to give her more to ponder over... moreover im not sure what ill say... conversation has ceased to flow as it once did... ive started doubting myself more than ever before.. i cant even say im frustrated... because im not... im just plain sad... with a hint of hopelessness!!.. maybe its all just a phase.. maybe it will pass.. until then...