Till Death Do Us Part.

She loved him so much that it hurt. He knew she had to get over him so he never answered her calls. She would call and wait for him to call back or send a message but deep down she knew that he wouldn't. The 1500 kms between them helped. It broke her every second. She knew he liked her. Possibly had even loved her when he was here, but now things were different. Very different. But even then he wasn't the types to commit. Why did she expect that love would change him when she wasn't even sure if he loved her anymore? Why did she think that he would come back to her and tell her he loved her and everything would be fine? But she knew herself better than that. She knew that even though she loved him with all her heart, and probably always would, she wouldn't take him back. She would have to steel herself and numb every feeling inside her because they both wanted different things. He would never settle down and she expected him to be just hers. She knew it was best for her to forget him and move on but it wasn't easy. All her friends confirmed what an egocentric bastard he was but she still loved him. She had known all that about him even when she had fallen in love with him. But she had grown up reading too many fairytales for her own good. So that day she finally made that resolve to never call him up and get on with life. He just wasn't worth it. She had FINALLY had enough. And then she felt free. Suddenly she felt like a big load had been lifted off her chest. She felt so light. She felt like a phoenix after emerging from the flames. She called up her best friend to tell her that she was finally over him and had gotten closure. She thanked her for being there and supporting her even when she had behaved like a bitch. She hung up feeling refreshed. She typed out a message to him about how they could never be together and she finally understood. And she made sure that just as her left index finger hit the send button, the gunshot rang.

And then there was silence.

Lakshya???

sometimes i sit and wonder where my life is headed... i feel like my life has no direction... there r things i want to do but that doesnt fit with what im doing right now... a few days ago i was sitting and having a conversation with myself and i suddenly realized that maybe im not passionate about what im doing... im just doing engineering coz thats what i wanted to do... and im not particularly passionate about that... im in my third year and suddenly somehow i feel im in the wrong field... maybe i should have gone in for film direction... thats one thing i think i would passionate about... i have a passion for film making but i dont really know how to react to that... can i possibly waste 3 years of college and then shift to a completely different field??.. or maybe i can pursue something after i finish engg... maybe i keep getting these doubts coz im not focussed... for everyone who's seen Farhan Akhtar's Lakshya, i feel like "Mere jeevan mein koi lakshya nahi hai"... i feel too directionless for words... where am i headed??... where is my life headed??... i would love to work with an NGO... theatre is what sets my pulse racing but even the people who r closest to me dont know this... bcoz i dont know if i should just go ahead and enroll myself in a theatre class bcoz thats what i want to do... atleast for now... i know i can handle it... maybe i will go ahead and join a theatre group or even a part time film direction course... lets see... i hope this isnt one of the thousand schemes/plans my mind cooks up everyday!!!... it doesnt feel like one though!!...

P.S.- anyone who knows anything about either of the 2 in Delhi please let me know... ill mention ur name in the credits of my first film!!!... thts a promise!!!..

P.P.S.- i feel so much better than when i started this post!!!

Tag

Here's D's version of the 8 random facts tag...


1) Childhood

was awesome... school was the best... frnds were great... had a whole lot of cousins to do crazy stuff with... filled with fights(which FYI i always managed to win)... travelled around.. was spoilt by dad... set in place by mom... bossed everyone arnd... never did homework and always got away with it... was an above average student with no efforts whatsoever!!!.. i wish i could go back there... but i think somehow mentally im still stuck in my childhood... im just going through growing up in the physical sense!!!...


2) Your favorite teacher so far

i dont think i ever really LEARNED anything after 5th.. uptil then all my teachers were very good... and the lone history teacher in 9th who was the only one who commanded respect instead of demanding it!!..

3) if you were destined to be an animal in your next life, which one would you rather be?

definitely a dog... maybe a great dane...

4) your first relationship

i was 16... wish i had waited.. somehow i feel i rushed into it... honestly it was good till it lasted... but i always tell everyone it was the biggest mistake of my life... i hated myself for breaking someone's heart!!!... but i had to do it for me!!!.. cliche isnt it??.. ;-)

5) the best gift you've got till date

ive liked all my gifts... well almost.. hehe.. but wht i would love most is to get a dog... sadly most of my family is terrified of animals!!!... well maybe my guitar!!!

6) what would you give her/him on your engagement night OR how would you propose/like to be proposed?

barefoot on the beach... full moon night... waves ahead and starts above... Iris by Goo Goo Dolls in the background... talk about having high expectations!!.. though i could settle for I Dont Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith... ;-) im a hopeless romantic at times...
doesnt really matter... all that matters is tht HE is the one for me!!!..

7) the last thing you bought for yourself

an ice cream!!!... and a pair of jeans...

8) your fav. thing to eat !

im a big foodie but what i love most is DESSERT!!!... anything with chocolate has my complete attention!!!..

:'-(

the last few days have seen revelations of sorts... what people really think about me, what they really feel, how much they care, how much they take me for granted... too much to handle!!!... am i naive or just very dumb??... or does it mean the same thing??.. how come i fall for it everytime... and y do i make a resolve everytime something like this happens that im not going to let it happen again!!!... maybe i should just keep my distance from people.. y do i get close to people when i know im going to get hurt at the end of it... people u think are ur best friends and never really expect them to go anywhere, thts when it really hurts!!!... after being friends for so long they come up and say that they dont really trust u!!!... so what the hell r we friends for!!!.. just for showing the world that u have someone to hang out with??... give me a break!!!... and its even more difficult with that "IRON PRINCESS" tag to live up to... the one that makes everyone believe that u dont care about anything or anyone... nothing can ever affect u... the cool exterior u put up for the whole world is not understood by people u thought u were closest to... they just think they can come up and say anything cause they supposedly "know" u... if u did, u wouldn't have said that, would u??.. and i continue to fall into that vicious circle of taking those people for friends who r just not worth it!!!... i seriously need HELP!!!... i cant go on living life like "my life's an open book".... most people cant accept it... and most dont deserve to ever read the cover page of it!!!... a friend once coined a sentence that i wish i could be more like... "a locked diary with a lost key"... y cant people just say what they feel.. what they think.. i cant comprehend ulterior motives people have... i believe everyone to be what they portray themselves as... i need ot stop that like 15 years ago!!!... Fuck double standards!!!... Fuck hypocrisy!!!...


doesnt trust me!!... and i dont even know what i did to deserve it... if it was someone else who would have said it, i wouldn't have been this upset... i thought he was one of my best friends... well apparently he didnt ever consider me one... i cried the whole night just thinking how life is pasing me by... losing friends... people i really care about... maybe it means something that we r born alone and we die alone... we r meant to be alone in this world... no one there with us!!!... but i wish i could understand it as easily as i could write it!!!...



Update: 1:54 am 5th August, 2007

ironically its friendship's day!!!... what more can i say!!!
happy friendship's day!!!... atleast u cant betray me cause i dont know u!!!... anonymity rocks!!!