When stuck in class....

im back... after a long hiatus where i sorted out a lot of stuff that was messing up my already screwed-up mind!!!... now i have a whole new bunch of thoughts to mess me up!!.. monotony sucks!!.. ;-)
well the last month has been quite a blur.. made some new friends, gave exams, finished project submissions, partied like hell, explored new places in and around town.. the works... now im officially free for a whole month.. no college.. no getting up early.. no teachers.. no attendance!!.. phew!!.. as of tomorrow im going for a short vacation.. away from this cold and off to the sandy beaches of GOA for a week with friends... yeah baby!!!.. and after college opens in the new year, im heading for on-campus placements!!.. so basically there's lots happening around..
i realized that for a change i will not procrastinate and plan ahead for the next semester!!... in case i attend any classes, here's the deal..

THINGS TO DO WHEN STUCK IN CLASS

1. Doodle..

2. play dumb charades.. believe me this can be hilarious specially since u cant get up or jump around and everyone around is staring at ur "gestures"..

3. sit in the first row and tap ur watch furiously every 5 minutes to check if its working.. most teachers get pretty pissed off.. and that is the only reason i go to class.. that and attendance!!.. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!..

4. repeat everything the teacher says in a sing-song voice..

5. play all ur ringtones one by one.. for the more daring and experienced, u can try "item numbers".. believe me imagining a male teacher shaking it on "dilwalon ke dil ka karaar" is amazing stuff... cheap thrills i know but it IS great fun..

6. write blog entries like this one..


ill be back in a week!!.. with a tan!!.. :-)
take care..

Enough with the whining... already!!!

sometimes i wonder when did my mind become so corrupt??... when did i lose the innocence of laughing on a nice clean joke... now all my jokes have hidden meanings... the first reaction when someone says something is to imagine all possible dirty interpretations... i was never the kind who got all the dirty jokes but now i laugh even before most guys can think of the 'other' meaning... is it wrong for a girl to understand things too much... its pretty obvious and usually hits bulls eye!!!.. just because i get all sexual jokes doesnt make me loose!!.. it just means i dont pretend if i understand things and my IQ isnt as low!!!.. maybe i dont live in an open enough society where a girl can be as tough as a guy without being termed fast.. maybe guys see it as a threat.. maybe they dont have the balls to accept a girl with guts and a cheeky tongue.. most people dont bother really knowing u.. even 'friends'.. everyone judges u for who they think u r... stupid hypocrites!!!..

i just realized that most of my posts thesedays have something to do with people judging me all the time and my being frustrated with those very people... in my defence its my blog and that is exactly what im going through!!!... i just feel a little abandoned.. its one of those days when nothing goes wrong but nothing really goes right either.. i feel frustrated with nothing happening... its driving me up the wall.. its forcing me to think and usually not very pleasant thoughts.. it makes me feel lonely and i hate the mere thought of it.. the desire to be accepted... im too much of an outcast already though most of the times i dont bother about it... but i guess i dont always like to take the road less travelled... fear of rejection??.. maybe.. but mostly i hate feeling distant from the ones i care about... finally im getting this out of my system... no more whining about this!!!... here's to better days!!.. :)

The Iron Princess Speaketh

i sometimes refer to myself as the "iron princess"... the steely exterior, the impression i tend to leave on others, and the nothing-can-touch-me attitude... but what most people forget is that im human too... i take 'dont judge a book by its cover' seriously... because im a very different person from i who i show myself to be... i just wish people would stop judging me.. people aren't always who they show themselves to be... most people with the strongest of exteriors have the softest of hearts and are the most sensitive ones... the balls-to-the-world attitude is there just so that no one can hurt me.. or so i think... i somehow almost always tend to trust the wrong people... and every time i get my trust broken, i promise myself that i wont let it happen again... but like they say, some people never change!!.. im way too easy to fool... because im too stubborn... because i dont like the world we live in... the deceptions, the lies, the hypocrisy, the works... because i genuinely care about people.. because i dont understand people who trample over others.. because i despise how we judge everyone and everything that comes our way... because i want to make a difference... because i live in my own dream world... because i need a reality check!!!

finally...

I'm FINALLY over u... FINALLY!!!... at least i hope that this time i am... :-)
i need a lot of support for this... the more i think about letting u go, the more i end up thinking about u... but hopefully this is it!!..

Tears in Heaven

i have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach... the one u get when something is about to go seriously wrong... the puzzling part is that nothing is due to happen in the near future which could go terribly wrong... barring exams which start from tomorrow... but the worse that can get is getting a zero and believe me thats not going to be new!!.. but for the past few days i feel a sudden silence engulf me every morning... the kind that occurs before storms!!!... (convert that to hindi and it makes more sense!!).. for the past 4 days ive woken up with tears in my eyes... actually its been longer than that but the past 4 days are when i started realizing that something was horribly amiss..
sleep is my vice.. i sleep when im content.. i sleep when im worried.. i sleep when im looking forward to something.. i sleep when im trying to run away from something... basically i sleep - A LOT!!!.. but somehow these days every time i go to sleep i KNOW im running away from things... i know it doesn't help in any way.. i know when i wake up im going to be feeling extremely groggy and far from fresh.. i know ill still have that sinking feeling when i wake up.. i know my demons just wont run away while im sleeping.. and i continue to sleep... i wake up late and then go back to sleep in the afternoon and when i wake up in the evening i wile away time on the internet... and then i sleep at night... but ive never had sleep this disturbed in the 19 years of my meaningless existence... thats the way i feel now...
ill talk to a friend about it but with exams coming up the poor soul is already so disturbed that i dont have the heart to give her more to ponder over... moreover im not sure what ill say... conversation has ceased to flow as it once did... ive started doubting myself more than ever before.. i cant even say im frustrated... because im not... im just plain sad... with a hint of hopelessness!!.. maybe its all just a phase.. maybe it will pass.. until then...

U were saying???

I learnt how to phase out in 2nd semester... the reason being that I didnt attend anything in my 1st semester at college... nothing, nil, nada, zilch... i guess u get the point... so basically even though i rarely attend anything in college, i tend to phase out whatever is happening around... i believe i have finally mastered the art... i look suitably interested but in my mind i tend to venture into another world... earlier it was restricted to lectures... maybe college has taken over so much of my time that i find myself tuning out while having conversations... and i see these movies where characters tune in and out at will and i feel myself increasingly becoming like that... im not apathetic, its just that i despise monotony... repetition bores the hell out of me... and sometimes i find conversations so boring that i enter into my own world... the depths of my subconscious... the formula is always the same... look like ur interested, keep saying things like umm, uh-huh, yup, seriously!! et cetera and u should be just fine..
and it woprks the other way too.. sometimes i phase out when im the one doing the talking... one minute i say something and the next minute i completely blank out on where the conversation was headed... and i also tend to jump back and forth unexpectedly and for short durations!!... its weird... but it comes in handy in classes... too bad i dont even attend 10% of my classes to put my skills to use!!.. :D
maybe it also has something to do with a space constraint... too many thoughts.. too little space to store most of them!!!.. my head is so full of useless knowledge that i possibly cant store any new thoughts... if only i had Dumbledore's Pensieve!!!...

What Are We Running After??

heard these lines after a long time and it just left me wondering... this one hit the nail on the head... its been stuck in my head ever since... the beauty of these lines!!!... its from the 1957 hit "Pyaasa"...

"Ye Mahalon, ye Takhton, ye Taajon ki Duniya,
Ye Insaan ke Dushman, Samaajon ki Duniya,
Ye Daulat ke Bhookhe, Riwaazon ki Duniya,
Ye Duniya agar mil bhi jaaye, toh kya hai?"

Listen to this here...

here's the translation:-
This world of palaces, thrones and crowns,
This world of societies that hates humanity,
This world that hungers for nothing but wealth,
Even if one obtains this world, so what?

aaarrghhh!!!!

i realized that my writers block just surfaces when im in front of a monitor... so i started making notes on my phone about things i wanted to blog about or was feeling at a particular moment... but considering my attention span i now have about 8-10 unfinished blog entries on my phone... and just the day i finished a post i cant find my phone... i put it somewhere here but it will take a long time to search through this mess.. yes i put it on silent so calling wont help... now i have to wait another day to make a post...
and i haven't been regular because i got my hands on the season 3 of 24 (yes i know it came out ages ago but whatever!!!) and i just had to finish it once i started it... am finally done but now i have season 4 staring me in the face... life is so tough... im going to have to make a tough decision come monday... its going to sound very mundane but it is confusing... "Prison Break" season 3 airs on mondays as will the third season of "how i met your mother" along with the second season of "heroes"!!!... what the hell am i going to download first??... how can people expect me to make a decision like that... probably will split the responsibility with a couple of friends so we all can download different sitcoms and then get it in pen drives the next day... but still...
also have around 80 movies on my computer that i haven't watched yet... so much of backlog and so little time... ohh and i guess i have 3 projects due in college but thats the least of my worries right now!!!...

Tagged!!!

got tagged into doing this by Raaji... here goes...



Stolen a Car: Nope... and may i suggest that anyone who has, should probably not own up to it because u never know who's reading ur blog!!!..

Been In Love: Ahh... I have to literally stop myself from falling in love... Its weird that I tend to fall in and out of love... but maybe im still not sure if it was love or something else..

Been in a Fist Fight: YES!!!.. everyday for 14 years till my brother moved to college!!..

Had Feelings for Someone Who Didn’t Have Them Back? Hasn't everybody??.. im still to meet someone who can answer a no to this question..

Been to Canada? Nope.. been to the States.. the Niagara Falls.. but never inside the border..

Purposefully Set a Part of Yourself on Fire? No.. though once i tried burning a nail after cutting it.. just out of curiosity.. :P

Taken Pain Killers? Yes, occasionally.. but i have a pretty strong immune system *touchwood* so that takes care of any medicines to take..

Been Lonely? I guess I have... and i dont like it... i dont mind aloneness... but loneliness sucks!!!

Felt an Earthquake? yes.. and it was kinda cool... :-P

Been Misunderstood? has a fish ever been in water??.. do people find the sound of scratching nails on a blackboard irritating??.. the answer is YES!!.. in CAPITALS.

Been in a Car Accident? been in a bike accident if that counts... a gypsy crashed into a friends bike and sent both him and me flying on the road.. dont remember much but from what i hear it was quite a day!!.. both of us were lucky considering that it could have been quite deadly..

Walked the Streets Drunk? The Beer Crawl, Munich.. June '07.. the most awesome time that i dont recollect!!.. apparently i was yelling at the top of my lungs... again, no recollection!!..

Swum in the Ocean? its the best thing... EVER!!!.. i love the freedom it provides... no boundaries.. just water..


apparently most of u have been tagged with this so i tag anyone who hasnt done this yet...

Unconditional Love

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE


Sitting alone in the dark,
As time drags along,
Im thinking about you,
And everything that went wrong.

Its just not your fault,
That I am in love with you,
And just because I feel that way,
Is no reason you should too.

'Coz love is all about giving,
Without expecting in return,
Its just an unconditional feeling,
There are no specific terms.

No one knows the depth of my feelings,
Its just so strong that even Im not sure,
Cant explain it even if I try,
Its just so complicated yet so pure.

But something you'll never know about me,
Is just how deeply for you I care,
The agony of loving someone so much,
That it hurts far more than I can bear.

P.S.- Even though i do have internals going on in college, the absence of posts is solely due to procrastination... like i was even going to TRY to study!!.. the only constructive thing i did was to check every single cd/dvd that i own(around 200) to know what data i had and what exactly was taking up so much of space... that's how i found poems i had written ages ago...

Till Death Do Us Part.

She loved him so much that it hurt. He knew she had to get over him so he never answered her calls. She would call and wait for him to call back or send a message but deep down she knew that he wouldn't. The 1500 kms between them helped. It broke her every second. She knew he liked her. Possibly had even loved her when he was here, but now things were different. Very different. But even then he wasn't the types to commit. Why did she expect that love would change him when she wasn't even sure if he loved her anymore? Why did she think that he would come back to her and tell her he loved her and everything would be fine? But she knew herself better than that. She knew that even though she loved him with all her heart, and probably always would, she wouldn't take him back. She would have to steel herself and numb every feeling inside her because they both wanted different things. He would never settle down and she expected him to be just hers. She knew it was best for her to forget him and move on but it wasn't easy. All her friends confirmed what an egocentric bastard he was but she still loved him. She had known all that about him even when she had fallen in love with him. But she had grown up reading too many fairytales for her own good. So that day she finally made that resolve to never call him up and get on with life. He just wasn't worth it. She had FINALLY had enough. And then she felt free. Suddenly she felt like a big load had been lifted off her chest. She felt so light. She felt like a phoenix after emerging from the flames. She called up her best friend to tell her that she was finally over him and had gotten closure. She thanked her for being there and supporting her even when she had behaved like a bitch. She hung up feeling refreshed. She typed out a message to him about how they could never be together and she finally understood. And she made sure that just as her left index finger hit the send button, the gunshot rang.

And then there was silence.

Lakshya???

sometimes i sit and wonder where my life is headed... i feel like my life has no direction... there r things i want to do but that doesnt fit with what im doing right now... a few days ago i was sitting and having a conversation with myself and i suddenly realized that maybe im not passionate about what im doing... im just doing engineering coz thats what i wanted to do... and im not particularly passionate about that... im in my third year and suddenly somehow i feel im in the wrong field... maybe i should have gone in for film direction... thats one thing i think i would passionate about... i have a passion for film making but i dont really know how to react to that... can i possibly waste 3 years of college and then shift to a completely different field??.. or maybe i can pursue something after i finish engg... maybe i keep getting these doubts coz im not focussed... for everyone who's seen Farhan Akhtar's Lakshya, i feel like "Mere jeevan mein koi lakshya nahi hai"... i feel too directionless for words... where am i headed??... where is my life headed??... i would love to work with an NGO... theatre is what sets my pulse racing but even the people who r closest to me dont know this... bcoz i dont know if i should just go ahead and enroll myself in a theatre class bcoz thats what i want to do... atleast for now... i know i can handle it... maybe i will go ahead and join a theatre group or even a part time film direction course... lets see... i hope this isnt one of the thousand schemes/plans my mind cooks up everyday!!!... it doesnt feel like one though!!...

P.S.- anyone who knows anything about either of the 2 in Delhi please let me know... ill mention ur name in the credits of my first film!!!... thts a promise!!!..

P.P.S.- i feel so much better than when i started this post!!!

Tag

Here's D's version of the 8 random facts tag...


1) Childhood

was awesome... school was the best... frnds were great... had a whole lot of cousins to do crazy stuff with... filled with fights(which FYI i always managed to win)... travelled around.. was spoilt by dad... set in place by mom... bossed everyone arnd... never did homework and always got away with it... was an above average student with no efforts whatsoever!!!.. i wish i could go back there... but i think somehow mentally im still stuck in my childhood... im just going through growing up in the physical sense!!!...


2) Your favorite teacher so far

i dont think i ever really LEARNED anything after 5th.. uptil then all my teachers were very good... and the lone history teacher in 9th who was the only one who commanded respect instead of demanding it!!..

3) if you were destined to be an animal in your next life, which one would you rather be?

definitely a dog... maybe a great dane...

4) your first relationship

i was 16... wish i had waited.. somehow i feel i rushed into it... honestly it was good till it lasted... but i always tell everyone it was the biggest mistake of my life... i hated myself for breaking someone's heart!!!... but i had to do it for me!!!.. cliche isnt it??.. ;-)

5) the best gift you've got till date

ive liked all my gifts... well almost.. hehe.. but wht i would love most is to get a dog... sadly most of my family is terrified of animals!!!... well maybe my guitar!!!

6) what would you give her/him on your engagement night OR how would you propose/like to be proposed?

barefoot on the beach... full moon night... waves ahead and starts above... Iris by Goo Goo Dolls in the background... talk about having high expectations!!.. though i could settle for I Dont Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith... ;-) im a hopeless romantic at times...
doesnt really matter... all that matters is tht HE is the one for me!!!..

7) the last thing you bought for yourself

an ice cream!!!... and a pair of jeans...

8) your fav. thing to eat !

im a big foodie but what i love most is DESSERT!!!... anything with chocolate has my complete attention!!!..

:'-(

the last few days have seen revelations of sorts... what people really think about me, what they really feel, how much they care, how much they take me for granted... too much to handle!!!... am i naive or just very dumb??... or does it mean the same thing??.. how come i fall for it everytime... and y do i make a resolve everytime something like this happens that im not going to let it happen again!!!... maybe i should just keep my distance from people.. y do i get close to people when i know im going to get hurt at the end of it... people u think are ur best friends and never really expect them to go anywhere, thts when it really hurts!!!... after being friends for so long they come up and say that they dont really trust u!!!... so what the hell r we friends for!!!.. just for showing the world that u have someone to hang out with??... give me a break!!!... and its even more difficult with that "IRON PRINCESS" tag to live up to... the one that makes everyone believe that u dont care about anything or anyone... nothing can ever affect u... the cool exterior u put up for the whole world is not understood by people u thought u were closest to... they just think they can come up and say anything cause they supposedly "know" u... if u did, u wouldn't have said that, would u??.. and i continue to fall into that vicious circle of taking those people for friends who r just not worth it!!!... i seriously need HELP!!!... i cant go on living life like "my life's an open book".... most people cant accept it... and most dont deserve to ever read the cover page of it!!!... a friend once coined a sentence that i wish i could be more like... "a locked diary with a lost key"... y cant people just say what they feel.. what they think.. i cant comprehend ulterior motives people have... i believe everyone to be what they portray themselves as... i need ot stop that like 15 years ago!!!... Fuck double standards!!!... Fuck hypocrisy!!!...


doesnt trust me!!... and i dont even know what i did to deserve it... if it was someone else who would have said it, i wouldn't have been this upset... i thought he was one of my best friends... well apparently he didnt ever consider me one... i cried the whole night just thinking how life is pasing me by... losing friends... people i really care about... maybe it means something that we r born alone and we die alone... we r meant to be alone in this world... no one there with us!!!... but i wish i could understand it as easily as i could write it!!!...



Update: 1:54 am 5th August, 2007

ironically its friendship's day!!!... what more can i say!!!
happy friendship's day!!!... atleast u cant betray me cause i dont know u!!!... anonymity rocks!!!

its a girl... its a boy... its just a HAIRCUT!!!!

the past week has been pretty uneventful except college opening and me not attending anything much... bunked an entire day and a frnd and i went shopping!!!!... had loads of fun... bitched abt loads of common frnds!!!... girl power rocks!!!... ;-)
the worst of the week was today... went for a haircut and now im going to be having a bad hair day for the next 6 months!!!!... all i asked was for a change of style... and when i got up i actually thought tht maybe she misunderstood and thought i said change of sex!!!... i now have hair like guys and i dont really like it tht much... people have said tht it looks nice and different but i guess its going to take a long time to grow on me.. literally!!!... ive been telling anyone who'll listen tht i look like a plucked chicken!!!... a frnd said that i looked adorable and i punched him on the nose... who says ADORABLE to a 19 yr old tomboy!!!... not people who know me atleast... and definitely not when it looks like i shed hair!!!... maybe its not tht bad but im going to be ripped apart in college tom... my frnds r going to laugh all semester even if they think it doesnt look tht bad!!!... getting a haircut is so tough!!!... its hardly ever perfect and if it is then its nearly impossible to manage at home... y the hell do i try out new places for a haircut!!!... next time im going to stick to my usual place!!!... maybe i can get a wig for the next 6 months!!!... i think ill post some of the comments i get about this new haircut... and i have tht feeling tht its all going to be bad!!!...

Yawn!!!

so with nothing left to do and college due to open tomorrow... i was just sitting and wondering about random stuff... and i decided im err.. umm.. the opposite of insomniac!!!... and then the net wasnt working... stupid service provider!!!... %!@#$&&#..
so after asking lots of people the correct word for it(someone said normal!!!), i called up the ISP and asked him to fix the snag asap or else... grrr... it was just as if he was waiting for someone to tell him to fix it and soon i was again in touch with the world.. (FYI people have recharge and balance problems with cell phones!!!)
coming back to the point the opposite of insomnia is hypersomnia!!!... how many hours of sleep a day would make me a hypersomniac??.. not that i care but just random musings of a screwed up mind... and talking so much about sleep is making me even more sleepy... and the morning grogginess had not even faded yet!!!... Good night.. or morning.. or whatever!!!...

P.S.- and while we're on it, the opposite of nocturnal is diurnal... im neither... im just plain LAZY!!!.. :-)

Get Me Outta Here!!!

GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!


Sitting in an empty room,
I wanna get outta here,
The walls are closing in on me,
I cant get outta here.

Confined space,
Undefined maze,
Someone get me outta here.

Got a lot on my mind,
But have no idea what im contemplating,
Its hard for me to think straight,
I feel like Im suffocating.

Clenched fists,
Slashed wrists,
Someone get me outta here.

Surrounded by dust and ashes,
Papers strewn across the floor,
I dont see any windows,
There doesnt seem to be a door.

Fading light,
Losing sight,
Someone get me outta here...
Outta here...
Outta here...
Get me outta my own world!!!

Im BACK!!!

Im BACK!!!!... had a blast this past month... there were a couple of times i wanted to post but no time to access the net other than checking my email... but that will probably find its way here in the coming days... walked around Rome from one monument to another, saw the Pieta in Vatican, climbed up the Duomo in Florence, got cheesy pictures clicked holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa, lazed on the beach in Nice, saw the red carpet in Cannes, ate Ben & Jerry's outside the casino in Monte Carlo, saw the change of guards outside the palace of Monaco, rented a paddle boat in Lucerne, went to Jungfrau and finally saw SNOW (yes for the first time... give it a rest already!!), did a beer crawl in Munich and was completely sloshed, ate a lot of gelatos in Venice, did the gondola thing, climbed up the Eiffel Tower, shopped along Champs-Elysees, went to the Louvre, saw the Chateau de Versailles... phew!!!!.... and had a blast in Bombay as well!!!... now now... that shade of green doesnt really suit u.. lol... its been almost 5 days since ive been back and my net hasnt been working... some problem from the stupid service provider... but nothing is raining on my parade... yet!!!... as the onset of another semester looms ahead who knows how long this will last... so here's signing off on a happy note!!... CIAO!!!

Suicide??

couldn't think of a 3 letter title for the post otherwise would have posted this 3 days ago!!!...


sometimes i wonder if suicide can be murder??... murder is when a person kills someone against their will... and suicide is wanting to take your own life...
what if someone wants to commit suicide but a part of her wants to be alive... if a person like that kills herself what would you call it??.. suicide because she wanted to end her own life and did it willingly.. or murder because there was a part in her that wanted to live... or both... all of us happen to be multi-faceted so wouldn't that mean killing someone else too??

Bye!!!

so im finally off to Mumbai tomorrow morning and from there i catch my flight for Rome on sunday night!!.. i will be back in a month's time... will try to post but no promises.. take care people... have a good time.. bye till then...

TAG!!!!

i got tagged by Lemonade into doing this so here goes...

Eight

Rules:

* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* People who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

1. I have zillions of cousins though very strangely i tend to get along more with the paternal side of my family... atleast most of them...
   
2. I absolutely love dogs but cant keep any coz most of my family is terrified of them...
   
3. I made sure that the title of this post was 3 letters long with a couple of !!!! to see how long i can do this after Hershey's last comment... :-P.. im weird...
4. I dont like people who are too like me coz they freak me out!!
5. I usually cry when I talk to someone I really care about and things aren't fine between us... and I hate it when I do it!!!!....
   
6. I cant stand it when people write LOOSER instead of LOSER!!!... wht losers!!!!!
7. I love playing board games... Pictionary, Taboo, Life, Boggle, Scrabble, Acquire, Stock Market, Ludo etc.. etc..
   
8. I hate repeat HATE it when people drag up old stuff in new fights!!!... we already fought about it... i cant keep giving explanations for things i did 4 months ago every single time we disagree!!!... perfect example: MOM!!!.. ;-)

phew... so now i tag Soul Intoxicated, Hershey, Standby mode, *D* and anyone else who hasnt been tagged with this one yet and is still reading!!!... enjoy!!!

Yay!!!

apologies for the absence first... in my defence i had exams!!!... so i finally had my one night stand with books before every exam and that chapter is closed for another 6 months till the next semester!!!.. lol... so anyways i've had a fun fortnight... went out almost every day and still should manage to pass everything...
now i have holidays for 2 months... and im going Backpacking across southern Europe... Rome, Florence, Nice, Munich, Venice, Switzerland and Paris... phew!!!.. im hyper-excited!!!... YIPPEE!!!... and it gets even better... no parents!!!!!... just me and 2 of my cousins... an all girls trip!!!... and we get to rough it out... no 5 star hotels.. no chauffer driven transport... travelling around in buses and staying in hostels... super fun!!!... and the HOT ITALIANS!!!... ooh la la!!... lol...
all i need now are the visas... Schengen and Swiss... and i get to spend a week in Mumbai with cousins as my ticket is from Mumbai to Rome... YAY!!!... less than a fortnight to go... i cant stop grinning from ear-to-ear...
Gelatos, Gondolas, Snow-capped mountains, Fun... here i come!!!!

YAY!!!

so thanks to Lemonade, i sent in my blog to be reviewed by Critique My Blog... this is what they had to say... im so happy today!!!... lol... cheap thrills!!!..

It doesn't surprise me to find that I really enjoyed this blog...New to the blog world, this blogger from Delhi is a 19 year old who has a knack for writing in a style that sounds like conversation. The blogger's personality jumps off the screen and it is clear to see that this blog can become a winner if she decides to continue the blog. The posts are short and the writing is compelling. The format is simple with not a lot of bells and whistles to take away from the story. Young bloggers do a great job at keeping the content fresh. Well done!

and just to prove that im not making this stuff up.. here's the link... if only people could see my face... im all smiles... :)

WTF!!!!

i dont believe it!!!... what the hell was that!!!... just saw the ACMilan-ManU match and i cant believe it!!!... wtf!!... what was ManU trying to do!!... im heart-broken... :( .. but Kaka was looking sooooo cute!!!... awwww... though i dont like Ronaldo or Rooney losing... :( .. its such a difficult world!!!

Tomboy - Part 1

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

so they say... im sure as hell not from Mars but i dont think ill be very well accepted in Venus either... im not ur average girl... im almost always described as a tomboy... im just not a girly-girl... Period.

• i dont take hours to get ready.
• i dont think beer is 'ewww'.
• i dont think sports r a waste of time.
• i dont think nail paints r cooler than tattoos.
• i dont think shopping is better than sleeping.
• i dont think that i have to act like i dont understand any non-veg. jokes just because im worried the guys will think i have a dirty mind.
• i dont usually cry in movies.
• i've played football in the rain and i loved it... the mud.. the tugging.. the slipping.. and the fights!!!...
  
• i have no patience with high-pitched, shrill-voiced wannabes.
  
• i dont think that when u go out on a date, the guy should pay just because hes a guy.
• i dont usually get along with girls... all they do is bitch behind each others' backs.
• i think i understand guys much better than i understand girls.
  
• my idea of a perfect sunday is soccer and beer... CHEERS!!!
• i can wake up and be out of the house in 15 minutes flat whatever the occasion.
• i think boxers and a tee are THE most comfortable clothes in the world!!!
• my knowledge about make-up is limited to applying kohl around the eyes.
  

im not cribbing here... i love being a girl... and every once in a while i do girl stuff with the few girlfriends i have... i just dont understand the kinds who think its very cute to act shy and dumb in front of guys... the kinds who cant cross the roads without shrieking and the kinds who 'oooh' and 'aaah' about everything... most of these girls suffer from "multiple personality disorder"... and i dont like the side most of them project in front of guys... stop acting like bimbos!!! just because ur a girl doesnt mean u cant rough it out a bit... u can change a bulb all by urself... and u can use that screwdriver on ur own... its just a screwdriver... u cant kill urself with it and for heavens sake ur not going to break a nail!!!...

maybe ill do a part 2 about what girl stuff i do like...

Damn U!!!!... :)

sometimes i wonder if i would have been better off not knowing u... no more days spent wanting to be with u when i know i cant... no more nights spent tossing and turning wondering if ur with someone else... no more crying for what isn't there anymore... no more furtive glances at the cell phone wondering if u'll call or msg today... no more crossing my fingers as i sign into messenger for just an offline... no more listening to 'I dont want to miss a thing' and not being sure whether to smile or cry... no more feeling that i cant take it anymore... but then there wont be that smile when i hear a song on the radio and it reminds me of u... no twinkle in my eye when out of the blue i remember something u said... no sudden flutter in the heart when i see ur msg or call... no odd sense of peace when i close my eyes and see ur face... nothing... just plain long drawn numbness... without u i wouldn't be the same me... u've taught me so much... about myself, about life, about the world... and if the only way i could be with u is in my heart then so be it... i would rather know u and live with just ur memories than not know u and not know what it is like to be in love... as u once said

TO LOVE IS ALL, TO BE LOVED IN RETURN IS DIVINE!!..

damn u!!!... uve really messed me up!!!.. and i love u for that too!!.. :)

It Rained That Night

wrote this one some time back... this one's closest to my heart... its like deciding which one of ur kids is ur favorite... and this would pretty much be the front runner for me... lol..
_____________________________________________________

IT RAINED THAT NIGHT


Heavens looked down,
The gods too cried,
I looked up with hopeless eyes,
As it rained that night.

It was the night of love,
It was the night of hate,
But above all that love and hate,
It was the night of tearful fate.

Winds gushing around me,
Trying to engulf my pain,
Tears pouring down my face,
Mixing with the falling rain.

Waves tickling my bare feet,
Splashing to protect me from the world,
Taking me with them as they go,
Trying to befriend a lost little girl.

A boat out in the distance,
Sailing farther away from me,
The starless sky, the moonless night,
Have to feel my way, cant see.

I walk the damp sands,
Towards the centre of the ocean,
See the last night of life,
Am never going to see the rising sun.

Heavens looked down,
The gods too cried,
I looked into the darkness ahead,
Oh!!! It rained that night.

Dont Push Me Too Far

i wonder why people think that just because we dont say anything, we cant!!...

i usually put my point of view forth if i have a different take on things... im not very opinionated and im open to other people's point of view... but i dont like it when people wont listen to someone else's opinion and try to force their view on everyone around... just because ur elder and i didnt say anything out of respect doesnt mean that i cant say anything... so the next time u scream at me for having a different perspective than yours, dont expect me to listen quietly and walk away... u better think twice next time because im not going to be as polite as i was today!!!...

family can irk u so much at times!!!... thank god we can choose our friends!!!...


P.S.- Mom u'll be so proud of me that i didnt answer back even when i was right... i knew it would hurt u if i had talked back... but i dont know if i can take an outburst like that again... it wont be my fault... u better tell these people not to push me too far... maybe they dont realize what a little bitch i can be when i want to!!!...

Mood Swings..

i need to do something about my mood swings... they seem to have increased manifold... i dont like being a GROUCH!!!... its making me lose my sleep... i was always nocturnal but never an insomniac... maybe tomorrow's lectures in college can cure that!!!... but i need to do something about these mood swings soooooon......

My Visual DNA

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so as i was browsing through blogs today(yes.. FYI i have nothing better to do!!!), i noticed that almost every Indian student's blog i came across was an engineering student!!!... Engineering student trying hard to clear all subjects and studying at the very last minute for exams.. vivas.. lab tests.. submissions... the works!!!... why are we engineers-to-be so drawn to blogging??.. because we have loads to bitch about??... and believe you me in engg. colleges throughout India.. shit happens!!!... the faculty sucks.. dont understand ur problems.. are hell bent on making ur life miserable... the majority of the crowd makes u want to puke.. the guys r just trying to score... the girls are just trying to get noticed... everyones living a fucking lie... double standards... bitching... conspiracies... plans... total saas-bahu saga!!!... but thats besides the point... dont we engineers have anything better to do... we always have that odd assignment that we could have done or work in the lab on our own(ya rite!!) rather than copy someone else's work... we rant about not getting enough time for submissions and we usually waste our time doing the not-so-important things... why dont we just get a life and take engineering seriously rather than the one night stands we have with our books the night before our exams??...
i can answer for myself... because i dont give a fuck!!!... because i know that whatever im being taught in college is a complete waste and is something thats never going to help me... because i know that im going to get placed in a decent company before i pass out of college without having to slog through my college years... because i know i can handle the last minute studies and still manage to scrape through with average grades... because i know that even if i do study all semester long and get top grades its not going to make any difference other than maybe get me a certificate... because thats the way i am... because i dont think that i need to prove to anyone how good i can do in college... because i would rather enjoy my life so i can look back with no regrets!!!... because this post made absolutely no sense and im still typing...

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd,
You're gonna hear my voice,
When I shout it out loud..

It's my life,
It's now or never,
I ain't gonna live forever,
I just want to live while I'm alive,
It's my life!!!

Something I Can Never Have

i cried myself to sleep last night... i dont even remember crying... all i know is that when i got up, my eyes were bloodshot and puffy... and then i recalled everything that happened... i cried for u after a very long time... not because of u, for u... i cried for times we spent together... for everything there was... for everything i miss... for having to act like im ok without u... for not being able to meet u... for a whole lot of things that i fail to understand myself... and i know that ill still dream of u... of how happy just a msg from u makes me... about how ur the only guy i have ever loved and still do even though i keep trying to reason with myself that its not worth it... about how i argue with myself when it comes to u... about how my heart wants u and how my mind wont let me be with u... deep down i know that u being u will never realize just how much i love u and me being me will never try to explain it to u... some things never change!!!
came across this song and it reminded me of u...

SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE
-Nine Inch Nails


I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart

Come on tell me
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

Come on tell me
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost


Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village, though,
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake,
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

_________________________________________________________

came across this masterpiece by Robert Frost after a long time... the last stanza just popped up in my head and now im reciting it even in my sleep...

i cant stand the fact that ur wasting away ur life like this... why do u have to be so emotionally dependent on someone else... why does u have to crave for attention all the time... why do u think that everyone should drop what they are doing just because u need to bitch and crib about how things aren't going ur way... its not like ur doing much to change things... all u need to do is make up ur mind and focus... why do u have to think that ur so lonely... why dont u realize that theres a big difference between LONELINESS and ALONENESS... and that being alone can help if u take it the right way... why do u have to be everyone's number 1... if u want things to change then STAND UP AND CHANGE THEM!!!... start accepting things that happen and take steps to turn things ur way... thats the only way anything will happen... dont take ur luck for granted... work towards ur goal... do something for urself... u dont deserve all this... i cant see u like this... i love u too much to see u like this... do something baby... change ur stars... its not something anyone else can...

Wikipedia says HYPOCRISY is, simply put, the pot calling the kettle black.
something weird happened today... the back story first...
i have been telling everyone i meet for the past week what hypocrites guys are... well most of them... let me explain... most of them want a bombshell to hang out with and to date but when it comes to marriage all they look for is the girl next door... read a 'sati-savitri'!!!... talk about being double faced... so just to confirm my belief, i had an argument about this with one of my guy friends who didn't even bother to deny the fact that he wanted a simple girl when he gets married... but the list of girls he would date made me wonder if i should ask him to make a list of wannabe item girls!!!... i wanted to give him one tight slap... but then i realized how pointless it would be... men will be men!!!...
so back to the weird thing... today's HT City carried an article on the very first page called "GIRLS MEN MARRY".. 3 people i met in the past week and had this conversation with called me to ask if i had read the piece... and this is what made me wonder if someone was reading my mind... some guy was quoted in the article saying -
"For recreational purposes, men are willing to experiment with women. And the wilder the better. But for wives men want shy, relatively less qualified and economically dependent women. A woman with these qualities will keep her man happy."
geez... talk about astronomical egos!!!.. during the past week i had wondered if my anger on the issue came from the fact that im not a simple homely girl from the 19th century... but then after reading this particular article i knew i wasn't the only one who couldn't care less about these bloody two-faced creatures!!!... i also happen to know some people (read guys) who went on to mention that girls shouldn't smoke... but its ok for guys to smoke... well it ain't good for anyone but to say that just because im a girl i shouldn't smoke, made my blood boil!!!.. FUCK YOU!!!... so basically im just bothered about guys being such hypocrites!!.. but then it invoked a deeper question... aren't we all??
most of the profiles i've checked out on orkut, show hypocrisy as the major turn-off... mine included... but haven't WE ever been double-faced??.. we have relatives we pretend to adore but deep down they make us cringe... we have colleagues that we talk to so nicely when actually we want to make voodoo dolls and poke pins if we thought it would hurt/harm them... we are so friendly to superiors and people with authority if we think they might help us in some way... we have all harboured ill-will for someone or the other at some point of time but had to smile at them and not hint at our true feelings about them... some people would argue saying that's called basic manners... but then bitching about them behind their backs isn't very nice manners either... so to sum it all up i guess all of us are hypocrites sometime in our lives but that definitely doesn't stop us from maintaining that hypocrisy is their major turn off!!!...

P.S.- this doesn't mean im changing my turn-off's on orkut!!!.. lol..

im no longer a HITCHCOCK virgin!!!... and all i can say is "SHEER GENIUS"!!... for the uninitiated, i saw my very first Alfred Hitchcock and im in awe!!!... the man is brilliant... a legend!!!...
so coming back to the movie, i finally saw REBECCA... had read Daphne du Maurier's masterpiece and was dying to watch the screen adaptation... and im glad to say that i wasnt disappointed!!!... Joan Fontaine is perfect as the naive second Mrs De Winter and makes you want to protect her... Lawrence Olivier - the name says it all... and the never seen Rebecca... complete with a strong storyline, an outstanding cast and a brilliant director, it was a delight to watch...
another reason i enjoyed the movie (and the book) is because i could relate to the second Mrs De Winter a bit... (they never mention her name in the movie.. or for that matter even in the book)... most of us will... all she wants is to be accepted where everyone is judging her and comparing her to Rebecca... to get a little attention from Maxim and to run away from the hold that the late Rebecca still has over the estate and the servants... but just a bit... she is so vulnerable and weak throughout the movie that it was hard to relate to someone who is a complete doormat... its about her journey from being a girl to becoming a woman... how circumstances change her to become stronger as a person... to grow up and deal with life... all in all a great movie...

here's to downloading more Alfred Hitchcocks!!!...

... ULTIMATELY???

*****: what you wanna do in life..ultimately? vague question i know..u cn answer later..

Me: ultimately as in??... give me an example??... like wht do u want to do ultimately

*****: hmm....say..when u are done with all the "cash getting"

Me: i just want to travel arnd the world at my whim and just take off without thinking twice... u know like if i feel like going backpacking in europe i just leave right now with just my passport and nothing else... i can buy wht i need whenever i need it... and i wanna be with someone who feels the same way abt stuff with no planning into stuff and just take off wen the mood gets u... thts my idea of being settled with someone in life... just enjoy each others company and be compatible enough to understand even if i want to go off alone... strange huh??... well i guess thts wht i want... and maybe to buy a beach house in malibu!!!!... and laze in the sun all day!!!... BLISS!!!

____________________________________________________________________

that was the first thing tht came to my mind... and i know tht even though its the first time ive thought abt this, it definitely wont be the last... i would love to travel like that... maybe i should rethink my choice of career... engineering is BORING...

darkness
solitude
rain
hurt
storm
tears
anger
pain
heartbreak
iris by goo goo dolls
despair
locked
destruction
suffocated
death


PEACE!!!

Get Me Outta Here

sometimes i write poetry when the mood gets to me... wrote this one sometime back... isnt my best piece but its something tht i feel like right now!!!...


GET ME OUTTA HERE

sitting in an empty room
i wanna get outta here
the walls r closing in on me
i cant get outta here

confined space
undefined maze
someone get me outta here

got a lot on my mind
but have no idea what im contemplating
its hard for me to think straight
i feel like im suffocating

clenched fists
slashed wrists
someone get me outta here

surrounded by dust and ashes
papers strewn across the floor
i dont see any windows
there doesnt seem to be a door

fading light
losing sight
someone get me outta here...
outta here...
outta here...
get me outta my own world!!!

it seems that things i dont do are my fault too!!!... well im sorry for things i didnt do... im sorry i didnt call u up... im sorry if i thought u wanted some time... im sorry if u think i did u wrong... im sorry if u think i dont value u... im sorry if i never could make u understand how much u meant to me... im sorry that u doubt how i feel about u... im sorry i didnt make sure u knew u were one of my best frnds... i know we promised each other that we dont need formalities like thank u and sorry in our frndship... but thts the way u were on the phone today... we speak after almost a month and all u can do is scream at me and tell me that i didnt want to keep in touch... well im SORRY for it and a lot more!!!... but most of all im just sorry that neither of us could understand the other like we thought we did!!!...

Jaane kya chahe mann baavra,
akhiyan mere saawan chala.

thats exactly how i feel right now!!!!....

Im BACK!!!

Im back after a hiatus!!!... cant say that im sorry... had a ball these last ten days!!!... Holi was fun!!... and also the fact that i played it on thursday, friday and sunday!!!... came home from college on thursday all silver!!!... then friday i came back home green.. thanx to college friends again!!!... and finally on sunday played holi with cousins.. came back home red/maroon!!... 3 different days... 3 different colours!!! awesome fun though its so tiresome to wash off all that colour... finished all of prison break thats been aired till now... desperately waiting for the next episode!!... y do only stupid serials that i dont watch air 4 times a week!!!... the main reason for my absence is the fact that i took a trip back to my roots... "mera gaon.. mera des!!!"... ok.. sad attempt at humour!!!... good old road trip with the family... almost all my cousins were there and had a blast!!... a 4 day trip which made me realize how much i love road trips!!!... 8 hour journey and loads of fun!!!... no internet.. no television... at times no electricity!!!.. no shopping.. actually no shops!!.. no usual newspaper and awesome food!!!... went for a ride on a camel cart and it turned out to be so much fun... 9 people on one camel cart!!... poor camel!!!... lol.. we all decided to make trips like this a regular feature... im just hoping it materializes!!!... saw ghost rider on 24th... sad movie.. should have gone for music and lyrics instead... but ive seen much worse movies so i guess its ok... and had a blast on my birthday!!!... my friends made me stand on a chair and put ice cream all over my face... but it was fun!!!... i never said i wasnt weird!!!... read the link to my page again in case of misconceptions!!!... have a week's holidays now!!!... mid-sem break!!!... and back to the grind after that... all good things come to an end!!!...

18 TILL I DIE!!!

the clock is ticking... the minutes are passing... the realization is setting in... im no longer going to be 18!!!!... 19 seemed so old a year back... and now its almost here... im getting OLD!!!... so much i have yet to do... so much left to achieve... so many amends to make... and time flying by so quickly... i wish i had taken more photographs last year... but i know ill remember the moments that i want to... and some that i dont... lol... 18 had such a novelty about it... theres nothing special about 19... its just another number... but i know my family and friends r going to make it as memorable as any other year!!!... so many dreams to fulfill... so much love to give... so much more fun to have!!!... im gonna be 18 TILL I DIE!!!!

Birthday Blues!!!

My birthday is almost here and people keep asking me what i want as a present... and there's nothing i can come up with... and not just because they ask out of formality(yes!!... people do that... always!!!... even when they don't know when your birthday exactly is!!) but because i don't really want anything materialistic!!!... simple things would mean much more to me... The only thing I would like is a surprise birthday party but that isn't something I can say I want... can I???.... :-P... so here's a list of things i would actually like this year-

• Artificial Flowers - Every year I get real flowers that die in a few days... I'd like something that was different from what everyone else always gets... something i wouldn't have to throw away in a couple of days...

• A Handmade Card - doesn't have to be artistic... just a simple 'Happy Birthday' scribbled on a piece of paper would work better than an Archie's or Hallmark card... its just about the effort...

• CD - I do have all the music I listen to but would be nice if someone took out the time to write a CD for me that includes songs I like/ songs they like/ songs they think I might like/ songs that remind me of them or the other way round... etc.. etc..

• A Surprise visit from someone i don't expect to meet on the day - A surprise is a surprise is a surprise is a....!!!

• A Homemade Cake - Every year they get me a cake(sometimes even 2-3 when people cant figure out what to get) from a fancy 5-star bakery... I would love a homemade cake...

• A Warm Hug - from people I care about and who care about me... not just from anyone!!!

• A Song - just the thought of someone singing for me is awesome...

• A List of things people like about me - Come on... there's gotta be something or you wouldn't have bothered giving me a gift!!!... ;-)

• A Photo Collage - a reminder of the good times we've shared...
  

And I dub thee "Queen of Wishful Thinking".... I have way too many expectations!!... What I really need to get is a LIFE!!!...

Love Sucks!!!

Couldn't have said it better!!!

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Here's another one...

“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.”

Sabse Peeche Hum Khade

This song is from the movie "Let's Enjoy" (which had the more popular track 'Dhol Wajda') and very few people seem to have heard it... its a nice song with good lyrics... something a lot of us can relate to... listen to it if u haven't already...


Zara nazar uthake dekho
Baithe hain hum yahin
Bekhabar mujhse kyon ho
Itne bure bhi hum nahin

Zamaane ki baaton mein uljho na
Hai yeh aasaan janana
Khud se jo agar tum poochho
Hain hum tumhare ke nahi

Teri aankhon ka jaadu
Poori duniya pe hai
Duniya ki iss bheed mein
Sabse peeche hum khade

Mehfilein aayi aur gayi
Log aaye aur gaye
Tum jo aaj aaye ho
Dil mein ho bas gaye

Muskurake baat taalo na
Phir miloge jo kahin
Dekhana yahi kahoge
Itne bure the hum nahi

Teri aankhon ka jaadu
Poori duniya pe hai
Duniya ki is bheed mein
Sabse peeche hum khade

Im Single and "Unavailable"!!... YEAH BABY!!!

ahh... its VALENTINE'S DAY again...

funny how it invokes different reactions from different people!!!... there r ppl who brood about being single on the day... others who spend every waking minute with their valentine.. and there are others for whom its just another day... i (proudly) belong to the last category... so much so that the first time i had someone to call my "valentine" i was sleeping soundly at the stroke of midnight while the poor guy kept trying to call me so that he was the first one to wish me... and come to think of it... he wasnt... i woke up somewhere around 2 and a friend of mine called and we ended up wishing each other before anyone else... and just after i kept his phone i saw 6 messages and 24 missed calls flashing on the screen.. all from one number... he made such a big deal out of valentines day and it was kinda sweet to see him put so much of effort into it but i really didnt need the fuss... so its valentines day!!... big deal!!.. really isnt that important to stay awake past midnight just to be the first one to wish someone... i just dont get the point about making such a big deal out of one day... its more special when its unexpected...as for valentine's day u know ur guy is going to plan something... just like everyone else's... but hey... thats just me... whatever works for u!!... and as for being single on valentine's day... i dont see it as a reason to brood... get together with other single friends... do fun stuff... or just spend time with the one you love the most - YOURSELF!!

do we really need a special day to make the one we love feel special??... is that really what "LOVE" is all about??... *sigh*

Celebrating the Weather

The weather today was just out of the world... no sun and amazing wind throughout the day... and then it rained in the evening!!... i just love when it rains... everything is so fresh and green... makes you want to dance!!.. so after a very very long time today (i am so lazy that its not even funny) i went for a walk in the park with my sister.. just the 2 of us... female bonding!!... lol... she has exams coming up so she needed the break and im always game for going out... yes even if its just to the park... so the 2 of us just walked around and talked about a lot of stuff... music, movies, relatives, guys, friends, future... the usual stuff... shes a little younger so i give her advice sometimes and she likes hearing about my college and friends... just the cold breeze blowing against our faces and being so close to nature was what made it all the more magical... so it was the perfect sunday. i realized that i have tests from tomorrow but even that failed to dampen my spirits today... it doesnt feel like new delhi in february at all... the only thing missing was a long drive down an empty road (now thats wishful thinking... the traffic here is killing!!)...

someone once asked me which one i like better... summer or winter??... i said rain!!... it always matches up to my mood... its just about how i perceive it... if im happy i imagine the little droplets of water dancing with me in joy and when im down in the dumps i feel like it knows my pain and is crying with me... Sad rain(read: when im sad and it rains) always reminds me of 2 things...

1. a quote by Charlie Chaplin that goes like this...

"I love walking in the rain 'cause no one knows im crying"

2. a line from the song November Rain by Guns N Roses...

"Cause nothing lasts forever,
Even cold november rain."

i know its conflicting that while the first reminds me that im upset and hurt, the second has an optimistic take on things... but thats just how it is... I LOVE RAIN!!!... Period.

The Truth about Love

with Valentine's Day just round the corner i heard this quote....

Love isn't about being "IN LOVE"..... its about fancy status messages and supposedly assiduous romantic days... weeks... months.... damn you HALLMARK!!!!

Amen to that!!!...

nope... im not a cynic when it comes to love but more on that later!!!... i must hit the books now... my college's idea of the perfect Valentine's day is to have tests the day before, on and the day after Valentine's day... i just try to explain to myself that they probably think that books should be my only love while im still in college!!!... not that it helps though!!!

Dont hold on too Tight!!

After a long time i happen to be in a good mood today... things haven't been going my way for quite some time and I've been acting weirdly because of all that but finally sorted out some of the stuff... so I'm finally back on great terms with my best friend after having this whole possessive phase where i ended up realizing that i was being unreasonable and trying to hold on to her too tight!!... poor girl!!... feel bad about it now but i guess that isn't going to happen anymore... the more you try to hold on to something the sooner you end up losing it... its like a pool of water in your hand... the tighter you clench your fist, the more water flows out... i guess we've all heard this one... "If you love someone, set them free... if they come back, they are yours... if they don't, they never were." but i guess most of us use the modified version... (i know i sometimes do!!).. "If you love someone, put a chain around their neck lest they'll flee." and that's how we end up pushing them farther away from us... its just about trying too hard and exactly the opposite happening... all we do is end up choking the other person and hampering their space... i guess this happens with all relationships... friends, lovers, parents... and the worst part is we don't realize what we are doing... and by the time we do realize, its often too late!!... I'm just glad that i realized it all in good time!!!...


this one's for you because i know i was wrong and even though i know you're never going to read this i just wanted to say sorry for any hurt that i caused... i know u didn't ask for any explanations but i just hope that in your heart you know it was unintentional... you know i love you and care about you but its just that sometimes i tend to act stupid and hurt you even though i don't mean to... i know you're always there to support me and correct me and thanks for always being there for me... you're the best friend anyone can ever ask for... i love you sweety...

Celebration means LIFE!!!!

i got this forward and it brought an instant smile to my face.... so i just wanted to share this with everyone... keep smiling!!... :-)

CELEBRATION means......

A winter evening.
Four friends.
One barsaati.
Four glasses of chai.
(OR)

Hundred bucks of gas.
A rusty old bike.
And an open road.
(OR)

Maggi noodles.
A hostel room.
4.25 a.m.
(OR)

3 old friends.
3 separate cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 Internet messenger.
(OR)

Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Neighbours dropping in.
A party.
(OR)

You and mom.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.
Gossiping about absent family members.

You can spend
Hundreds on birthdays,
Thousands on festivals,
Lakhs on weddings,

but to celebrate
all you have to do is spend your TIME.
Keep in touch with your loved ones ........

Hazaaron Khwahishein Aisi

this is one of the best ghazals that i've heard... the lyrics are so beautiful that they just stay with u... but u dont expect anything less from Ghalib... anyone who's ever been in love and had their heart broken would be able to identify with this... the depth of the lyrics is such that it completely enthralls you...


Hazaaron khwahishein aisi,
ki har khwahish pe dum nikle,
bahut nikle mere armaan,
lekin phir bhi kam nikle.

Nikalna khuld se aadam ka,
sunte aaye hain lekin,
bahut be-abroo ho kar,
tere kooche se hum nikle.

Mohabbat mein nahi hai,
farq jeene aur marne ka,
ussi ko dekh kar jeete hain,
jis kaafir pe dum nikle.

Khuda ke vaaste,
pardaah na kaabe se uthha zaalim,
kahin aisa na ho yaan bhi,
wohi kaafir sanam nikle.

Kahaan maikhaane ka darwaaza Ghalib,
aur kahaan waaiz,
par itna jaante hain kal,
woh jaata tha ki hum nikle.

Hazaaron khwahishein aisi,
ki har khwahish pe dum nikle,
bahut nikle mere armaan,
lekin phir bhi kam nikle.


...so true... *sigh*...


A thousand desires such...
that each worth dying for...
So many of them fulfilled...
Yet so few!!!!

Dating Your Best Friend?

Is it a good idea for best friends to start dating??

this is one loaded question!!.. lets see... maybe its a great idea... someone who accepts you the way you are and someone you're very comfortable with... isn't that what we all look for in a relationship!!!... maybe not!!!... would you like being with someone who could read your mind even at times you dont want them to??... someone who already has sky-high expectations from you as a friend and now that increases even more... how about there being no mystery left in the relationship since you already know each other inside out??... talk about two sides of a coin!!!

but what happens if it doesn't work out??... can you still be great friends??... or do you cringe at the very thought of them??... I've known both kinds of people... I've even been in both the situations!!!... lets just imagine what happens if you remain great friends who decide to end the relationship amiably... you talk about it and decide that it is probably the best thing to do but promise to be the same friends that you were... maybe even better friends than that... you talk about everything under the sun... you think that it will all work out beautifully... but actually one or maybe even both of you are hung up on the other and are just playing along and acting like every thing's great... you still feel the same way and cant get over the feelings that you shouldn't be having anymore... you cant stand the fact that maybe you are not the only person in the other person's life and they do have other friends too... so you start picking up on things that never really mattered before... 'How could you do this?' or 'I would never have done something like that!' or 'You've changed!' and it goes on and on and on... so which one of the two suffers the most in such a situation??... the one who 'seems to have' moved on or the one who cant accept the way things have changed??
.
.
.
i guess there cant be any definite answer to this but my guess would be both of them!!!... one of them cant understand why things have to change between the two of them and that hurts... and the other is trying to disguise their feelings to an extent that it hurts way too much... and to keep all that inside you has got to hurt!!!...
so i guess there's no good way out of love!!!... probably the reason why all of us never want to be out of love!!!...

Simply Me

well... lets see... to start with... this is my first attempt at blogging... I've been toying with the idea of doing this for a long time but lets just say that im a born procrastinator!!... so here's a little about me...

Im an 18 yr old girl struggling with my second year of what i call torture i.e. engineering!!... im a people's person who often sits back and thinks that maybe life would have been a hell lot easier if i was an introvert... im tired of everyone having an opinion about me... im tired of pretending that i don't care about little things and they don't affect me at all when in reality i think of even the most trivial things... im an emotional fool and i cant help it no matter how hard i try... its just the way i am... i think too much about things that most people wont think twice about... maybe not even once... i hate it when people i care about are upset and i don't have a way of helping them... i hate it when i do something to upset people i really love because i never mean to... never!!.. i love my friends and am always there for them... i sometimes think that maybe i expect too much from them but still never change... i take life as it comes and don't get tensed about things... im very laid-back and easygoing... im also extremely lazy and dreamy... i love being with my friends and family... they are my support system... my worst nightmare is waking up one day and not having them around... i love to talk... i can talk and talk and talk... i love music... i know saying its the essence of life is way too cliche but its true... i write poems when i feel like it... i love watching movies... everything from action to sloppy romantic flicks to comedy... i love reading and solving puzzles... i love playing board games and the only games i ever play online are either puzzles or word games or mystery games... i love reading... i read everything from comics to storybooks to novels to magazines... i don't like studying at all... never!!!... i love sleeping... i once slept for 19 hours straight after which mom woke me up because she got worried... im a hopeless romantic at times but i never admit it... it doesn't take a lot to impress me but that doesn't mean im easy... it just means that im not very difficult to please... i don't have a jealous bone in my body but i am very possessive about my best friends... im not very good with judging people and only my good friends know how naive i am... i come across as a strong person who really doesn't give a shit about the world but people who know me well know otherwise... im not comfortable showing people that there's a very sensitive side to me so i usually act tough and indifferent... i cry on a lot of things that i never bothered telling people about because i want people to continue believing that im tough and can handle anything... because i don't want people worrying about me and feeling sorry for me... i somehow always manage to hurt people i care about the most... its never intentional but i guess life isn't always rainbows and butterflies... im a typical Pisces in the sense that like the 2 fishes swimming in opposite directions in my sun sign, im constantly torn between my heart and my mind... the biggest conflict i ever have with anyone is with myself... im a tomboy but i do like to dress up once in a while... im learning how to play the guitar... i love it even though i just started and am not very good at it... i love to party... most girls i know cant stand the taste of beer but i just love it... i hate confrontations and making people upset... i don't like people who are too like me because they freak me out... i get along with most people... i trust people too easily and end up having my trust broken a lot... that's just the way i am... im simply me... to sum it all up im just...

IRREVERSIBLY SCREWED!!!