Lakshya???

sometimes i sit and wonder where my life is headed... i feel like my life has no direction... there r things i want to do but that doesnt fit with what im doing right now... a few days ago i was sitting and having a conversation with myself and i suddenly realized that maybe im not passionate about what im doing... im just doing engineering coz thats what i wanted to do... and im not particularly passionate about that... im in my third year and suddenly somehow i feel im in the wrong field... maybe i should have gone in for film direction... thats one thing i think i would passionate about... i have a passion for film making but i dont really know how to react to that... can i possibly waste 3 years of college and then shift to a completely different field??.. or maybe i can pursue something after i finish engg... maybe i keep getting these doubts coz im not focussed... for everyone who's seen Farhan Akhtar's Lakshya, i feel like "Mere jeevan mein koi lakshya nahi hai"... i feel too directionless for words... where am i headed??... where is my life headed??... i would love to work with an NGO... theatre is what sets my pulse racing but even the people who r closest to me dont know this... bcoz i dont know if i should just go ahead and enroll myself in a theatre class bcoz thats what i want to do... atleast for now... i know i can handle it... maybe i will go ahead and join a theatre group or even a part time film direction course... lets see... i hope this isnt one of the thousand schemes/plans my mind cooks up everyday!!!... it doesnt feel like one though!!...

P.S.- anyone who knows anything about either of the 2 in Delhi please let me know... ill mention ur name in the credits of my first film!!!... thts a promise!!!..

P.P.S.- i feel so much better than when i started this post!!!

Tag

Here's D's version of the 8 random facts tag...


1) Childhood

was awesome... school was the best... frnds were great... had a whole lot of cousins to do crazy stuff with... filled with fights(which FYI i always managed to win)... travelled around.. was spoilt by dad... set in place by mom... bossed everyone arnd... never did homework and always got away with it... was an above average student with no efforts whatsoever!!!.. i wish i could go back there... but i think somehow mentally im still stuck in my childhood... im just going through growing up in the physical sense!!!...


2) Your favorite teacher so far

i dont think i ever really LEARNED anything after 5th.. uptil then all my teachers were very good... and the lone history teacher in 9th who was the only one who commanded respect instead of demanding it!!..

3) if you were destined to be an animal in your next life, which one would you rather be?

definitely a dog... maybe a great dane...

4) your first relationship

i was 16... wish i had waited.. somehow i feel i rushed into it... honestly it was good till it lasted... but i always tell everyone it was the biggest mistake of my life... i hated myself for breaking someone's heart!!!... but i had to do it for me!!!.. cliche isnt it??.. ;-)

5) the best gift you've got till date

ive liked all my gifts... well almost.. hehe.. but wht i would love most is to get a dog... sadly most of my family is terrified of animals!!!... well maybe my guitar!!!

6) what would you give her/him on your engagement night OR how would you propose/like to be proposed?

barefoot on the beach... full moon night... waves ahead and starts above... Iris by Goo Goo Dolls in the background... talk about having high expectations!!.. though i could settle for I Dont Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith... ;-) im a hopeless romantic at times...
doesnt really matter... all that matters is tht HE is the one for me!!!..

7) the last thing you bought for yourself

an ice cream!!!... and a pair of jeans...

8) your fav. thing to eat !

im a big foodie but what i love most is DESSERT!!!... anything with chocolate has my complete attention!!!..

:'-(

the last few days have seen revelations of sorts... what people really think about me, what they really feel, how much they care, how much they take me for granted... too much to handle!!!... am i naive or just very dumb??... or does it mean the same thing??.. how come i fall for it everytime... and y do i make a resolve everytime something like this happens that im not going to let it happen again!!!... maybe i should just keep my distance from people.. y do i get close to people when i know im going to get hurt at the end of it... people u think are ur best friends and never really expect them to go anywhere, thts when it really hurts!!!... after being friends for so long they come up and say that they dont really trust u!!!... so what the hell r we friends for!!!.. just for showing the world that u have someone to hang out with??... give me a break!!!... and its even more difficult with that "IRON PRINCESS" tag to live up to... the one that makes everyone believe that u dont care about anything or anyone... nothing can ever affect u... the cool exterior u put up for the whole world is not understood by people u thought u were closest to... they just think they can come up and say anything cause they supposedly "know" u... if u did, u wouldn't have said that, would u??.. and i continue to fall into that vicious circle of taking those people for friends who r just not worth it!!!... i seriously need HELP!!!... i cant go on living life like "my life's an open book".... most people cant accept it... and most dont deserve to ever read the cover page of it!!!... a friend once coined a sentence that i wish i could be more like... "a locked diary with a lost key"... y cant people just say what they feel.. what they think.. i cant comprehend ulterior motives people have... i believe everyone to be what they portray themselves as... i need ot stop that like 15 years ago!!!... Fuck double standards!!!... Fuck hypocrisy!!!...


doesnt trust me!!... and i dont even know what i did to deserve it... if it was someone else who would have said it, i wouldn't have been this upset... i thought he was one of my best friends... well apparently he didnt ever consider me one... i cried the whole night just thinking how life is pasing me by... losing friends... people i really care about... maybe it means something that we r born alone and we die alone... we r meant to be alone in this world... no one there with us!!!... but i wish i could understand it as easily as i could write it!!!...



Update: 1:54 am 5th August, 2007

ironically its friendship's day!!!... what more can i say!!!
happy friendship's day!!!... atleast u cant betray me cause i dont know u!!!... anonymity rocks!!!

its a girl... its a boy... its just a HAIRCUT!!!!

the past week has been pretty uneventful except college opening and me not attending anything much... bunked an entire day and a frnd and i went shopping!!!!... had loads of fun... bitched abt loads of common frnds!!!... girl power rocks!!!... ;-)
the worst of the week was today... went for a haircut and now im going to be having a bad hair day for the next 6 months!!!!... all i asked was for a change of style... and when i got up i actually thought tht maybe she misunderstood and thought i said change of sex!!!... i now have hair like guys and i dont really like it tht much... people have said tht it looks nice and different but i guess its going to take a long time to grow on me.. literally!!!... ive been telling anyone who'll listen tht i look like a plucked chicken!!!... a frnd said that i looked adorable and i punched him on the nose... who says ADORABLE to a 19 yr old tomboy!!!... not people who know me atleast... and definitely not when it looks like i shed hair!!!... maybe its not tht bad but im going to be ripped apart in college tom... my frnds r going to laugh all semester even if they think it doesnt look tht bad!!!... getting a haircut is so tough!!!... its hardly ever perfect and if it is then its nearly impossible to manage at home... y the hell do i try out new places for a haircut!!!... next time im going to stick to my usual place!!!... maybe i can get a wig for the next 6 months!!!... i think ill post some of the comments i get about this new haircut... and i have tht feeling tht its all going to be bad!!!...

Yawn!!!

so with nothing left to do and college due to open tomorrow... i was just sitting and wondering about random stuff... and i decided im err.. umm.. the opposite of insomniac!!!... and then the net wasnt working... stupid service provider!!!... %!@#$&&#..
so after asking lots of people the correct word for it(someone said normal!!!), i called up the ISP and asked him to fix the snag asap or else... grrr... it was just as if he was waiting for someone to tell him to fix it and soon i was again in touch with the world.. (FYI people have recharge and balance problems with cell phones!!!)
coming back to the point the opposite of insomnia is hypersomnia!!!... how many hours of sleep a day would make me a hypersomniac??.. not that i care but just random musings of a screwed up mind... and talking so much about sleep is making me even more sleepy... and the morning grogginess had not even faded yet!!!... Good night.. or morning.. or whatever!!!...

P.S.- and while we're on it, the opposite of nocturnal is diurnal... im neither... im just plain LAZY!!!.. :-)

Get Me Outta Here!!!

GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!


Sitting in an empty room,
I wanna get outta here,
The walls are closing in on me,
I cant get outta here.

Confined space,
Undefined maze,
Someone get me outta here.

Got a lot on my mind,
But have no idea what im contemplating,
Its hard for me to think straight,
I feel like Im suffocating.

Clenched fists,
Slashed wrists,
Someone get me outta here.

Surrounded by dust and ashes,
Papers strewn across the floor,
I dont see any windows,
There doesnt seem to be a door.

Fading light,
Losing sight,
Someone get me outta here...
Outta here...
Outta here...
Get me outta my own world!!!

Im BACK!!!

Im BACK!!!!... had a blast this past month... there were a couple of times i wanted to post but no time to access the net other than checking my email... but that will probably find its way here in the coming days... walked around Rome from one monument to another, saw the Pieta in Vatican, climbed up the Duomo in Florence, got cheesy pictures clicked holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa, lazed on the beach in Nice, saw the red carpet in Cannes, ate Ben & Jerry's outside the casino in Monte Carlo, saw the change of guards outside the palace of Monaco, rented a paddle boat in Lucerne, went to Jungfrau and finally saw SNOW (yes for the first time... give it a rest already!!), did a beer crawl in Munich and was completely sloshed, ate a lot of gelatos in Venice, did the gondola thing, climbed up the Eiffel Tower, shopped along Champs-Elysees, went to the Louvre, saw the Chateau de Versailles... phew!!!!.... and had a blast in Bombay as well!!!... now now... that shade of green doesnt really suit u.. lol... its been almost 5 days since ive been back and my net hasnt been working... some problem from the stupid service provider... but nothing is raining on my parade... yet!!!... as the onset of another semester looms ahead who knows how long this will last... so here's signing off on a happy note!!... CIAO!!!