Damn U!!!!... :)

sometimes i wonder if i would have been better off not knowing u... no more days spent wanting to be with u when i know i cant... no more nights spent tossing and turning wondering if ur with someone else... no more crying for what isn't there anymore... no more furtive glances at the cell phone wondering if u'll call or msg today... no more crossing my fingers as i sign into messenger for just an offline... no more listening to 'I dont want to miss a thing' and not being sure whether to smile or cry... no more feeling that i cant take it anymore... but then there wont be that smile when i hear a song on the radio and it reminds me of u... no twinkle in my eye when out of the blue i remember something u said... no sudden flutter in the heart when i see ur msg or call... no odd sense of peace when i close my eyes and see ur face... nothing... just plain long drawn numbness... without u i wouldn't be the same me... u've taught me so much... about myself, about life, about the world... and if the only way i could be with u is in my heart then so be it... i would rather know u and live with just ur memories than not know u and not know what it is like to be in love... as u once said

TO LOVE IS ALL, TO BE LOVED IN RETURN IS DIVINE!!..

damn u!!!... uve really messed me up!!!.. and i love u for that too!!.. :)

It Rained That Night

wrote this one some time back... this one's closest to my heart... its like deciding which one of ur kids is ur favorite... and this would pretty much be the front runner for me... lol..
_____________________________________________________

IT RAINED THAT NIGHT


Heavens looked down,
The gods too cried,
I looked up with hopeless eyes,
As it rained that night.

It was the night of love,
It was the night of hate,
But above all that love and hate,
It was the night of tearful fate.

Winds gushing around me,
Trying to engulf my pain,
Tears pouring down my face,
Mixing with the falling rain.

Waves tickling my bare feet,
Splashing to protect me from the world,
Taking me with them as they go,
Trying to befriend a lost little girl.

A boat out in the distance,
Sailing farther away from me,
The starless sky, the moonless night,
Have to feel my way, cant see.

I walk the damp sands,
Towards the centre of the ocean,
See the last night of life,
Am never going to see the rising sun.

Heavens looked down,
The gods too cried,
I looked into the darkness ahead,
Oh!!! It rained that night.

Dont Push Me Too Far

i wonder why people think that just because we dont say anything, we cant!!...

i usually put my point of view forth if i have a different take on things... im not very opinionated and im open to other people's point of view... but i dont like it when people wont listen to someone else's opinion and try to force their view on everyone around... just because ur elder and i didnt say anything out of respect doesnt mean that i cant say anything... so the next time u scream at me for having a different perspective than yours, dont expect me to listen quietly and walk away... u better think twice next time because im not going to be as polite as i was today!!!...

family can irk u so much at times!!!... thank god we can choose our friends!!!...


P.S.- Mom u'll be so proud of me that i didnt answer back even when i was right... i knew it would hurt u if i had talked back... but i dont know if i can take an outburst like that again... it wont be my fault... u better tell these people not to push me too far... maybe they dont realize what a little bitch i can be when i want to!!!...

Mood Swings..

i need to do something about my mood swings... they seem to have increased manifold... i dont like being a GROUCH!!!... its making me lose my sleep... i was always nocturnal but never an insomniac... maybe tomorrow's lectures in college can cure that!!!... but i need to do something about these mood swings soooooon......

My Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™     Get your own VisualDNA™

so as i was browsing through blogs today(yes.. FYI i have nothing better to do!!!), i noticed that almost every Indian student's blog i came across was an engineering student!!!... Engineering student trying hard to clear all subjects and studying at the very last minute for exams.. vivas.. lab tests.. submissions... the works!!!... why are we engineers-to-be so drawn to blogging??.. because we have loads to bitch about??... and believe you me in engg. colleges throughout India.. shit happens!!!... the faculty sucks.. dont understand ur problems.. are hell bent on making ur life miserable... the majority of the crowd makes u want to puke.. the guys r just trying to score... the girls are just trying to get noticed... everyones living a fucking lie... double standards... bitching... conspiracies... plans... total saas-bahu saga!!!... but thats besides the point... dont we engineers have anything better to do... we always have that odd assignment that we could have done or work in the lab on our own(ya rite!!) rather than copy someone else's work... we rant about not getting enough time for submissions and we usually waste our time doing the not-so-important things... why dont we just get a life and take engineering seriously rather than the one night stands we have with our books the night before our exams??...
i can answer for myself... because i dont give a fuck!!!... because i know that whatever im being taught in college is a complete waste and is something thats never going to help me... because i know that im going to get placed in a decent company before i pass out of college without having to slog through my college years... because i know i can handle the last minute studies and still manage to scrape through with average grades... because i know that even if i do study all semester long and get top grades its not going to make any difference other than maybe get me a certificate... because thats the way i am... because i dont think that i need to prove to anyone how good i can do in college... because i would rather enjoy my life so i can look back with no regrets!!!... because this post made absolutely no sense and im still typing...

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd,
You're gonna hear my voice,
When I shout it out loud..

It's my life,
It's now or never,
I ain't gonna live forever,
I just want to live while I'm alive,
It's my life!!!

Something I Can Never Have

i cried myself to sleep last night... i dont even remember crying... all i know is that when i got up, my eyes were bloodshot and puffy... and then i recalled everything that happened... i cried for u after a very long time... not because of u, for u... i cried for times we spent together... for everything there was... for everything i miss... for having to act like im ok without u... for not being able to meet u... for a whole lot of things that i fail to understand myself... and i know that ill still dream of u... of how happy just a msg from u makes me... about how ur the only guy i have ever loved and still do even though i keep trying to reason with myself that its not worth it... about how i argue with myself when it comes to u... about how my heart wants u and how my mind wont let me be with u... deep down i know that u being u will never realize just how much i love u and me being me will never try to explain it to u... some things never change!!!
came across this song and it reminded me of u...

SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE
-Nine Inch Nails


I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart

Come on tell me
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

Come on tell me
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost


Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village, though,
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake,
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

_________________________________________________________

came across this masterpiece by Robert Frost after a long time... the last stanza just popped up in my head and now im reciting it even in my sleep...

i cant stand the fact that ur wasting away ur life like this... why do u have to be so emotionally dependent on someone else... why does u have to crave for attention all the time... why do u think that everyone should drop what they are doing just because u need to bitch and crib about how things aren't going ur way... its not like ur doing much to change things... all u need to do is make up ur mind and focus... why do u have to think that ur so lonely... why dont u realize that theres a big difference between LONELINESS and ALONENESS... and that being alone can help if u take it the right way... why do u have to be everyone's number 1... if u want things to change then STAND UP AND CHANGE THEM!!!... start accepting things that happen and take steps to turn things ur way... thats the only way anything will happen... dont take ur luck for granted... work towards ur goal... do something for urself... u dont deserve all this... i cant see u like this... i love u too much to see u like this... do something baby... change ur stars... its not something anyone else can...

Wikipedia says HYPOCRISY is, simply put, the pot calling the kettle black.
something weird happened today... the back story first...
i have been telling everyone i meet for the past week what hypocrites guys are... well most of them... let me explain... most of them want a bombshell to hang out with and to date but when it comes to marriage all they look for is the girl next door... read a 'sati-savitri'!!!... talk about being double faced... so just to confirm my belief, i had an argument about this with one of my guy friends who didn't even bother to deny the fact that he wanted a simple girl when he gets married... but the list of girls he would date made me wonder if i should ask him to make a list of wannabe item girls!!!... i wanted to give him one tight slap... but then i realized how pointless it would be... men will be men!!!...
so back to the weird thing... today's HT City carried an article on the very first page called "GIRLS MEN MARRY".. 3 people i met in the past week and had this conversation with called me to ask if i had read the piece... and this is what made me wonder if someone was reading my mind... some guy was quoted in the article saying -
"For recreational purposes, men are willing to experiment with women. And the wilder the better. But for wives men want shy, relatively less qualified and economically dependent women. A woman with these qualities will keep her man happy."
geez... talk about astronomical egos!!!.. during the past week i had wondered if my anger on the issue came from the fact that im not a simple homely girl from the 19th century... but then after reading this particular article i knew i wasn't the only one who couldn't care less about these bloody two-faced creatures!!!... i also happen to know some people (read guys) who went on to mention that girls shouldn't smoke... but its ok for guys to smoke... well it ain't good for anyone but to say that just because im a girl i shouldn't smoke, made my blood boil!!!.. FUCK YOU!!!... so basically im just bothered about guys being such hypocrites!!.. but then it invoked a deeper question... aren't we all??
most of the profiles i've checked out on orkut, show hypocrisy as the major turn-off... mine included... but haven't WE ever been double-faced??.. we have relatives we pretend to adore but deep down they make us cringe... we have colleagues that we talk to so nicely when actually we want to make voodoo dolls and poke pins if we thought it would hurt/harm them... we are so friendly to superiors and people with authority if we think they might help us in some way... we have all harboured ill-will for someone or the other at some point of time but had to smile at them and not hint at our true feelings about them... some people would argue saying that's called basic manners... but then bitching about them behind their backs isn't very nice manners either... so to sum it all up i guess all of us are hypocrites sometime in our lives but that definitely doesn't stop us from maintaining that hypocrisy is their major turn off!!!...

P.S.- this doesn't mean im changing my turn-off's on orkut!!!.. lol..

im no longer a HITCHCOCK virgin!!!... and all i can say is "SHEER GENIUS"!!... for the uninitiated, i saw my very first Alfred Hitchcock and im in awe!!!... the man is brilliant... a legend!!!...
so coming back to the movie, i finally saw REBECCA... had read Daphne du Maurier's masterpiece and was dying to watch the screen adaptation... and im glad to say that i wasnt disappointed!!!... Joan Fontaine is perfect as the naive second Mrs De Winter and makes you want to protect her... Lawrence Olivier - the name says it all... and the never seen Rebecca... complete with a strong storyline, an outstanding cast and a brilliant director, it was a delight to watch...
another reason i enjoyed the movie (and the book) is because i could relate to the second Mrs De Winter a bit... (they never mention her name in the movie.. or for that matter even in the book)... most of us will... all she wants is to be accepted where everyone is judging her and comparing her to Rebecca... to get a little attention from Maxim and to run away from the hold that the late Rebecca still has over the estate and the servants... but just a bit... she is so vulnerable and weak throughout the movie that it was hard to relate to someone who is a complete doormat... its about her journey from being a girl to becoming a woman... how circumstances change her to become stronger as a person... to grow up and deal with life... all in all a great movie...

here's to downloading more Alfred Hitchcocks!!!...